


A game of Katze und Fledermaus

by woodpusher



Category: Batman (1966), Catwoman (Comics)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:20:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22932418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woodpusher/pseuds/woodpusher
Summary: This is a follow-up toLove Letter Straight from My Heart
Relationships: Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ava_jamison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ava_jamison/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Love Letter Straight from My Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12941823) by [ava_jamison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ava_jamison/pseuds/ava_jamison). 



“I could just… at any moment, unmask you, Batman. Know the real you. The man behind the mask.”

“You wouldn’t d—”

It was an exchange they had repeated a dozen times over the past few months. They would re-enact one of their previous encounters. One of her favorites was tying him up in a giant ball of yarn. That's how she had trapped him in the first place. She had robbed a jewelry store, and he found her hideout in the basement of a tacky yarn shop. A net of yarn fell down on him, and before he could break free, she and her henchmen had tied him up tight. 

"Freddy the Fence will be here later today," she said. "It's late. I need a catnap," she said. "If you can wriggle out of that cocoon, you can  
arrest me," she said.

"I've heard that story before," he said.

"Oh yes, the lady or the tiger?" she said.[1]

"You weren't really behind that second door," he said.

"Right, and I had several henchmen ready to defend me," she said.

"Tonight was my biggest score since then. By the way, what was so wrong about my finding Captain Manx's treasure?"

"Hmm...you did steal the cat," he said.

"You recovered it," said Catwoman.

"You warned me about the tiger, but you did try to kill Robin."

"That was the castle doctrine. You and Robin didn't have a warrant. Besides, Robin seemed a lot more interested in stopping me from getting Manx's  
treasure than he was in cuffing me for attempted murder."

The fence was about to arrive, ready to buy the jewelry, when he suggested, "let's start dating....".

She pulled out her whip and cracked it in his general direction. "What?" she said.

"Let's start dating, Catwoman!" he said.

"What do you have in mind?," she asked.

"We need to be discreet....maybe drive-in movies at first" he said.

"I get to keep the panther brooch?" she said.[2]

It wasn't the Duchess of Windsor's brooch but a replica.

"Yes, yes. Everything else goes back to the jewelry store. What did you steal, a quarter of a million? Freddy wouldn't give you more than $25k."

Ever since, she made it not so hard for him to squirm free, but not so easy that she wasn't the one in charge. A few weeks later, the story began anew.

“You’ll never get away with this, Catwoman!”

She said, "you must be as drunk as Die Fledermaus if you think I can't."

"I rarely drink," says Batman. "I usually get a ginger ale and pretend it's alcohol."

'I slipped you a mickey and you had one huge katzenjammer [3]. Then I wrapped you up in my ball of yarn."

She unzips her leggings.

"Batman, when a vampire bat bites, it secretes a chemical that prevents its victim's blood from coagulating. It drinks, and drinks, and drinks.  
Drink, drink, drink your pussycat in.”

"When a vampy cat bites, its victim can end up foaming at the mouth....aren’t you just rabid about me?"

“Bats can bite back.”

“Of course they can.”

She laid down on his chest and worked her hands under his cape. He was still tied in the yarn, but there was enough room to get her hands on his back. "If you play with the Cat, expect to get scratched." She lightly scratched his back with her golden nails, occasionally jabbing him. He would wince. "Ooh, that hurts..."

Have you done some… Tibetan trance or Mongolian self-torture to keep yourself… in check?”

"It's working so far, Catwoman."

She jabs him again.  
"That hurts...so good," he says and submits.

"I didn't even have to use drugs," she said.[4]

“Dark Knight, let's let the horse out of the stable." She tore his britches with her nails. "Ah, you're raising your lance and getting ready to charge, my Dark Knight.  
Yes, you are my champion. Oooh, and underneath that lance are the Wayne family jewels."

When he finally wriggled free of the yarn, he asked, “Selina?”

“Yes?”

“Next time, could you come as Miss Kitka?"

"Hmm....Commissioner Gordon would remember her...but I'll see what I can do."

"Kitayna Ireyna Tatanya Kerenska Alisoff....I think he figured out that Russian names don't work like that. Yes, do something different, but use the same idea."

"You're on."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] From "The Purrfect Crime," 1966 tv series.
> 
> [2]  
> http://www.thejewelleryeditor.com/images/the-duchess-of-windsors-panther-brooch-from-1949-which-the-press-referred-to-at-the-time-as-the-atomic-bomb-of-jewellery-was-recently-exhibited-at-the-cartier-style-and-history-exhibition-in-paris/
> 
> [3] German for "hangover." It can also mean something like "caterwaul."
> 
> [4] "The Cat's Meow" (1966 tv series)
> 
> [5] From the movie Batman 1966. In Ava's universe, it looks like Bruce and Selina actually met before then.


	2. Chapter 2

The next week, at the Gotham Museum of the Classics, she came dressed in a business suit, with a microphone, tape recorder, and a briefcase.  
The director is Dr. Darius Alexander [1].

"Katya Federovna Kalinina[2]? Reporter with the New Guernsey Journal?" 

"Da, but if you’re more comfortable with Miss Kafka, you can call me that," she said. 

"Wasn't Franz Kafka German?" asked the director. 

"Yes, and Kaliningrad used to be in Prussia as well. When the Germans controlled it, it was called Koenigsberg. There were 7 bridges in the city – people wondered if all 7 could be crossed without retracing their path. They contacted Leonhard Euler, who told them it couldn’t be done," she continued.

“The odds are against you," replied the museum director.

"Tell me about your exhibits."

"Well, we’ve got the Gown of Dido, restored to its original Tyrian purple. Also we have the golden apples of Hippomenes. He threw them in Atalanta’s way; they caught her eye and she lost the race because she went to pick them up." said the Director.  
"Hmm...if diamonds are a girl’s best friend, gold is her second best," said Katya.  
“Of course. This piece might interest you. It’s a statuette of a cat made of gold, but the eyes are diamonds.[3]” said the Director.  
"Oh, that’s purrf….beautiful." said Katya.

The Director went on about the other exhibits: the gold of Midas, the golden fleece, and the scarab of Cleopatra and the necklace of Nefertiti to name a few." He continued, "We just got a shipment in today of several sarcophagi – we’ve contacted some professors...former colleagues of Professor McElroy."

“Oh yes, the one who convinced himself he was King Tut.” answered Katya.  
"Your museum is going to make quite a story. Do you know Bruce Wayne?”

"The millionaire? I know of him," said the Director.

"Well, he often bankrolls projects like yours. Maybe he’d want to be a patron of your museum. He’s on the Board of Trustees of the Gotham City Museum, and also the Treasurer. However, he might consider your museum as well. Would you like to give him a call?" said Katya.

“Absolutely.”

She pulls out her cell phone and calls.

“Wayne Residence.”

“Alfred? Alfred Pennyworth?” 

“Yes,”

“Is Bruce home? I’d like to talk to him.”

“Momentarily, ma’am.”

“Hello?”

“Bruce? It’s Katya Federovna Kalinina, but you know I go by Miss Kafka.”

“Ah yes, I remember you now.”

“I’m at the Gotham Museum of the Classics. They’ve got some literally fabulous exhibits here. I mean, they came right out of fables.”

“I see.”

“Purrha... maybe you’d like to talk to the director about being a patron.”

“I would consider it."

“Let’s all discuss it over dinner tonight. It’s almost five, and the museum is about to close. I’ve got to get back to my hotel room and freshen up. Can we meet you at seven?”

“Sure.’

“OK, see you then.” She hangs up the phone.

“Mr. Wayne is Gotham City’s most eligible bachelor. He has been for years.” said the Director.

“Yes, he is a fine gentleman. I’ve got a couple of perfumes I’d like to try out. What do you think of this one? It’s called Cat-a-tonic Number Two." said Katya.

She sprays some in his face. He passes out immediately. 

She turns on the air conditioner, opens up her briefcase, and puts on the Catwoman suit. She puts on cat head, complete with whiskers, which served as a gas mask.

Meanwhile, the sarcophagi opened up – inside were Professor McElroy (as King Tut), his henchmen, and a couple of Catwoman’s henchmen. They were wearing gas masks and oxygen tanks, and high pressure atomizers for Catwoman’s new catatonic. They sprayed their atomizers and the security guards passed out. 

Catwoman races from the director’s office to the exhibits. 

Tut and his henchmen took several of the other exhibits. They would split up the loot when the dust settled.

“Felix![4]” Catwoman cried out to one of her henchmen. “Follow me to the director’s office.”  
She took off her catwoman suit, and dressed down to her underwear. She laid down on the director’s tiger skin rug.

“Tie me up with cat whiskers number 2. Reinforce it with some of King Tut’s mummy tape.” 

“Huh?”

“You heard me. Stay on my arms and legs. Leave my breasts, face, and pussy alone.” 

“OK, Catwoman.”

“As soon as you’re done, get out.” 

Shortly thereafter, Batman arrived.

"Bruce, I’m tied up with Cat whiskers. There’s some of King Tut’s mummy tape there too,”  
she explained.

Batman pulls out his batarang. The batarang won’t cut the whiskers or the mummy tape. 

"Bruce, these are Cat whiskers number 2. Number 1 contracted with body heat. You know, the one I tied you up for that gunpowder caper some years ago. These ones expand. You’ll have to take your bat suit off – you can keep your cowl on if you want, and then make love to me.” 

“Maybe I can just turn up the heat or something.”

“You’ll wake up the museum director. My way is the fastest way.’ 

He is reluctant.

“Bruce, you missed the dinner appointment. The museum director is going to have all sorts of questions for both of us...Like maybe the robbery was Bruce Wayne’s idea in the first place. Bruce, you asked for it this way." said Katya.  
“I was hoping that I would be the one in charge. I was hoping that you would be more...innocent,” said Batman.  
After realizing she was right, he finally takes off his bat suit but leaving on his cape and ravishes her.  
“Red nail polish?” he asks.  
“Only Catwoman would wear gold.”  
“Of course."  


"I wore my cat gloves for the heist," she said.  
Finally the whiskers and mummy tape comes loose. “Bruce, get back into your batsuit.”

Katya changes back into her business suit and packed her catsuit into her briefcase. She sprays another perfume into the director’s face and he starts to wake.  
“What happened? What's all that tape on your arms?”  
“It's King Tut's mummy tape. He and Catwoman struck and robbed the museum. They knocked you out and tied me up. Fortunately Batman got here and scared them off, but not before they took quite a few artifacts. Fortunately, Batman was able to revive me and untie me - mostly.  
“Yes, that perfume was most helpful. It has a charming scent too.”  
“I’m glad you liked it.”  
“It’s getting late. Bruce must have given up by now. We’ll have to call him tomorrow and explain what happened. Of course it will be front page news.”

Batman interjected, "Dr. Alexander. I've called Commissioner Gordon and the police are here, reviving and interviewing your employees. You may want to check on them too. I've interviewed Miss Kafka already."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] inspired by Greco-Egyptian history  
> [2] Kalinina is the feminine form of Kalinin.  
> [3] The gold cat with the jeweled eyes may be too unoriginal. Please comment if so.  
> [4] Catwoman's henchmen are named after cats: Felix, Sylvester, Morris, etc. This convention was sometimes followed in the TV series, sometimes not.


	3. Chapter 3

Bruce and Katya got into the Batmobile. "Bruce, I need to spend the night at your place. First of all, you owe me dinner. Second, I need to spend a couple of hours in your hot tub to get this mummy tape off. You can help out with that. Third, you need to start working on the case tomorrow but there are some things we need to discuss."  


"What?"  


"As I told Dr. Alexander, we need to reschedule dinner. Is tomorrow night good?"  
"The museum will be closed indefinitely. It's a crime scene. A lot of the exhibits have been stolen."  


"Exactly. As representative of the Gotham City Museum, you should tell him you will ask the other trustees to buy them out."  


"What?"  


"Buy them out. They have a few interesting exhibits left. The Gotham City Museum can get them very cheaply now."  


"Selina!"  


"Bruce, you don't think the other trustees will want to pay top dollar, do you?"  


"No."  


"Then, you, or Wayne Enterprises, or any of your other companies, can offer to buy the building. I'm sure you can get it very cheaply and repurpose it."  


"I hadn't realized I was turning into a....mafia boss."

"Bruce, you're a crimefighter. When you're not fighting crime, you're playing love games with me. You occasionally attend a board meeting or an after-hours social, and you tell your business managers, 'I want profit.' They drive hard bargains like I do."

"I guess I should pay more attention." 

If he wants anything more than rock bottom dollar for the museum and the building, make him sign a nondisclosure agreement with a noncompete clause -- maybe even suggest he leave town. After we're married, he might make some foolish claim about us scamming him."

"You mean we aren't?" 

"Bruce, this is one of the easiest heists I've ever pulled off. Now yes, you were caught by surprise, but Dr. Alexander's a rank amateur when it comes to managing a museum. 

"I suppose you won't give me any hints on Tut's whereabouts....until you get your share of the loot?"  


"Some of it is hidden away already, but that's right. If the jewels are recovered, I expect to get them on loan from the museum when we go to a reception. It will be good publicity for the museum."

"Yes, we'll have to make sure the society pages know all about it."

Batman and...Selina...get to the batcave.  


"Bruce, you and I need to spend some time in the hot tub. I've got to get this  
mummy tape off," says Miss Kafka.

"Sure." 

He ravished her in the hot tub, then again in the king sized bed. "Three times in one day," said Katya, "Good boy." 


End file.
